Sometimes the things deepest in your heart are the hardest to find words for. It’s as if they are so close and so treasured that words just aren’t good enough.

So today I’m digging.

Because I’ve realized that I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Because not only have I changed, but e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. about my life adventure has changed.

And I don’t just mean my new haircut.

I’m pretty sure if you would have asked me this time last year where I would be in a year I would have told you something like:

“Oh I’ll probably be back overseas somewhere, still taking pictures, still loving being this single girl making a difference for God. Yeah, I love life like it is right now, no need to change it!”

Um… in case you couldn’t guess—that is not what life is like right now.

Go back friends, go back and see what I wrote this time last year. Then come back and pick up where I am now… it’s different.

But I’m happy.

I’m in love. With this guy named Daniel. I didn’t want him to come into my life (didn’t even like him at first) and I wasn’t ready for a relationship in my mind. I guess God had other ideas.

My summer means staying in the States—oh wait I mean State, as in Texas. Other than my family vacation I wont be leaving Texas. I’m not used to this.

I actually have to follow a budget. Because I’m kinda grown up now, have my own cell phone.

Priorities don’t come easily anymore. I have to think about them, plan time with all the people in my life and make sure that it’s balanced. I’m used to flying by the seat of my pants. No more, I have a job.

All of these bullet points need words and pictures. So I’m digging through my heart and looking for the words I need, and through my files for the pictures.

Some things about me haven’t changed—I still believe stories are meant to be told. I still love to look at life different than others. It’s still easier for me to communicate with written words than spoken. And Jesus is still teaching me how to be free.

Be looking for these new life stories in the coming weeks.

[Here is a portrait of my man. So handsome right??]

Alana

Blessings

I am having a rough day. [This is where you all roll your eyes and say "Lans, it happens."]

But have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and just don't want to get out of bed? When you're so overwhelmed at what the weekend (yes, not even the week) holds that you don't know how to proceed? Have you ever made yourself get ready for a meeting then, get lost driving there, and then once you're there realize you missed a memo and it wasn't happening? What about when you walk all over a shopping center to find the cell phone store--because you need (yes, Daddy I did say 'need.' We've talked on this.) a smart phone. Once you're there, you realize that you couldn't afford it even if you lived off of the dollar menue once a day for the next month. By then you're ready to cry.

People it's not even noon yet and this is the pace of my life e.v.e.r.y day. So I did cry.

But you see, there is this thing about a loving God: He doesn't let you stay where you are.

Thirty minutes ago, I wanted to run away. I wanted to go home, sit on my daddy's lap, and watch my momma cook. I wanted to stop everything and play with my siblings for hours and jump on the trampoline, and watch the wind whip across the plains.

Now, I still want that, but I have been overwhelmed in a different way. By the blessings my Father has given me.

I was just standing there, tears coming, wind blowing my hair and Him whispering in my ear.

I love you Alana. I see where you are and what you need. I have given you so so much. People who love you, who cherish you. People who will listen to you, people you can rely on. I've given you a job you love, I've opened the door for you do what you're good at. I'm letting you write and take pictures AND serve coffee. I've given you favor just because you a.r.e. Mine. Your car is running, you'll have work hanging in a gallery next week and you have a good bed.

And above all, you have a Savior, who saved you from your sins and has given you the gift of the right to be my child. You are loved.

Friends, it doesn't always take a sermon to grow. Mostly it only takes the everyday ordinary challenges seen from His perspective.

This weekend remember that. He died for you AND He overcame death for you. Jesus gave the Just Father the sacrifice that was needed so we could have the right to become sons of God (John 1:12-13) Don't forget how much He loves you and wants to show you His perfect love.

Happy Resurrection Day!

-lans

change

Making art from art. I'm not sure if it's legit, but it helps my point for the post :)

There are times when songs get stuck in my head. "Change in the Making" by Addison Road has been floating around today.

Theres a better version of me
That I cant quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now Im a total mess and
Right now I'm completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
Cause youre not through with me yet

This is redemptions story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you're chipping away
What I dont need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I'm closer to who Im meant to be
I'm a change in the making

I can't even begin to say how much there is to write about. I pretty much dropped off the face of the earth right before I few back to the States, so here I am to resurface and let you all know I've not decided to run away and never come back.

The last three weeks of my life have been indescribably hard, great, fantastic, wonderful, ugly and beautiful. Yes, all those things. I don't even think I could give the bullet points before blogger would tell me it was too long to post ;)

But really, life has been overwhelming.

And thank God, He's not finished with me. He's not finished with my destiny, my heart, my life.

He has me under construction. He is digging deep in my heart and pulling out things that have needed to be gone for a long time.

God has also been giving me great gifts. Like celebrating my best friend's marriage to the man of her dreams, my family coming in this weekend, dropping my little sister off at the airport for her incredible adventure to Alaska. Crying over pictures and seeing God give me the vision I need.

I'm convenced, at times it's the gifts that really push life over the edge to being overwhelming.

And so, there is much to write about. Like adjusting to the States again and the lessons I've been learning on that front, or what it means to endure, or about the wedding (*happiness*) or my next move, or what I've been learning about letting go, or Japan and how it has effected my outlook on life.

So. Much.

I'm a change in the making. And I take great comfort in creativity of my Abba. At times, life just seems like a bunch of useless colors, running around in zig zag lines, never seeming to be creating anything. Little do I know just how wonderful of an artist God is. He can take what seems worthless and make it beautiful.

That, is what it is to create change.

Hualien

I'm home.

It's the most wonderful feeling.... And one of the saddest.

It's painful to have so much joy at seeing the people you love, then turning right around and having the sadness of saying goodbye. It's not that I don't love being back, it's that it's so hard to say goodbye again so soon.

I really have much to write. But right now, all I have to say is that I've missed this. I've missed my Taiwan life. Especially the people. (Especially these two little boys.) And I can't wait for the time that I will get to come back again.

But right now, in this moment I'm more happy than I've been in a long time. For sure.

Life in Pictures

I'm loving the Taiwan life. AND missing my other life.

But this is proof of me loving my life :) More coming soon!

Jesus, Help Me Pray

I miss Hualien.

So. So. Much.

Today the burden I have for my Asia home is great. My heart is breaking for the children, for the families, for their souls. We have begun planning for the CI camp we will be holding in Gongfu, a village an hour south of Hualien City.

I know when I lived in Taiwan I had students from that area, and it's very possible that we will be teaching some of my students. It's hard, thinking about my students. What are they like now? Have they grown any? Do they remember what we taught them? Do they remember me?

All I want is my home to know God. I want Jesus to be the center of all they think and do. I want my students to be passionate about following Christ and passionate about character. I want to see healing come to the place in the world I love the most.

I'm learning how to pray for Hualien again. I thought I knew how, but this upcoming trip has made me realize how helpless I am. I want to see Jesus bring my home to Himself. It hurts to know we can't reach everyone.

So friends, I'm asking--because I'm selfish, I can't imagine heaven without these people--please help me pray. Help me pray for my home. Pray that we will be effective. Pray that we won't just plant seeds, but that we will see a harvest. Pray that Jesus will come down and touch the lives of each of the children we will be reaching out to.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for people who pray with me.

Thank You,

Alana

Living the CI Life

Have you ever, I mean ever--bit off more than you could chew??

Well, as I sit on this freezing cold floor, since it is the only place anywhere close to an outlet... I'm thinking I have.

I'm loving the next part of my time in Taiwan, CI's.

But I'm still trying to process the whirlwind of a trip I had before this part. I've now been in 5 cities all over Taiwan. Every day has been packed with life. I'm now sitting here wondering, when will I even post here??

This part of my trip is adding jobs to my list, I'm staff, a accountability group leader, the photographer, the writer, the blogger, the picture poster, the assistant food girl. There might be more, but no one has told me yet. So I'm saying all this to simply ask: Please forgive me for not posting sooner/not posting as much as I would like to here. (Oh and if you would like you can always see what I'm posting, that others write, on thecijournal.com)

Life is good. Full, but good. God is working and I'm so excited to be part.

Thank you all for your prayers. I need them. As always ;)

Alana

Nantou

There is so much running through my mind right now. God is so good and I stand amazed at what He is doing in Taiwan.

I'll be writing more as far as stories go soon. But before I fall asleep, here are a few pictures from today. It was one fantastic day. I love seeing into the heart God has given others. Just saying :)

Hands down my favorite pic of the day. This kid was so cute. I so wish I could have had more time to actually get to know him. 40 minutes just was not enough.

Can anyone say eyes??

READY?

I'm in Taiwan.

Yes.

Here.

It's amazing.

I'm more than a little happy to be 'home.'

The next 6 weeks of my life are going to be insane. (which if you're interested, means: "(of an action or policy) extremely foolish; irrational or illogical." What I'm doing is both irrational and illogical. Really.) This adventure is for the books.

The question that keeps going through my mind is: Am I ready?

Am I ready to be moving around every three days for the next 6 weeks? Am I ready to be a small group leader? Am I ready to write these stories? Am I ready to take these pictures?

I don't know.

But as I was getting my Taiwan cell number and fighting jet lag, I realized that that is okay.

Me not being ready is inviting God to come and do the great work. So as I go, I will share the stories of God working. As many as I possibly can. It's gonna be great ;)

-lana

"And there were many other things Jesus did. Where every one of them to be written I suppose the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." John 21:25

Emma

"Sometimes, the whole picture is never meant to be seen."

That is a piece of wisdom that most times I don't want to hear. Especially when it comes to my little cousin Emma. I just don't understand.

Emma is one of the most precious baby girls I've ever met. Full of smiles, life and joy.

I think that's why it's so hard to understand.

Emma isn't like normal baby girls. All her life she's been in and out of hospitals, poked and prodded, in and out of surgeries. It hurts knowing all she has had to go through, a story that would make anyone cry.

But really, the hurt is only half of Emma's story. The other half is harder to see. It's the half that if you didn't know it was there would be completely looked over. This half of Emma's story comes from others. From family, uncles, aunts, grandparents and Jesus.

It took me a long time to learn of the love Jesus has for Emma. And even still I know I can't understand. But somehow, someway, I hope to. In the midst of this fallen world, Jesus loves deep enough to allow Emma to go through this pain.

It feels wrong to say.

But it's true.

On December 31, 2010, I spent the afternoon with Emma and my dear Aunt, her Nana. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the last day of 2010. For the first time, I got to hold and meet this little one. For the first time I saw the sparkle in her eye, heard her talk, saw the wheels constantly turning in her smart little head. In those moments I remembered: My Uncle Rick praying, every day at every meal, lifting her up before the throne of God. I remembered the other countless people who have spend days praying for her healing. I thought of the Savior who came just for her.

I realized Jesus isn't finished with her yet.

My baby cousin Emma understands a part of Jesus at two that I will probably never understand in a lifetime. She understands suffering and the joy that can come from it.

In many ways, I believe Emma wouldn't be as happy as she is if she weren't in pain. I don't think she would bring sunshine to the world if people weren't praying for her. I believe that this precious little one wouldn't know joy without her suffering.

And yet, all I want is for her to heal. It broke my heart to know she's back in the hospital.

So I still don't understand. I never will. How love can be so deep, so flawless, that beauty can come from pain? I believe it will come in Emma's life. I believe it already is. It just hurts to see.

If the day ever comes when I understand, I'll try to put it in words. And when Emma makes it to the other side--the side of living a healthy life, I'll write all of her story. But right now all I can do is pray. And trust.

Jesus loves Emma. So much more than any of my family could. So much more than we could ever imagine. Which is why I can't see the whole picture. Why none of us can.

"Sometimes, the whole picture is never meant to be seen."