[rethinking]

I do lots of thinking. But right now I'm REthinking. And here is the place I'm starting.

More thoughts will come as I think them :)

-lana

And My Heart Sings

August is a crazy month for my family. We have 4 birthdays, one anniversary, and the inevitable starting back to school. All in ONE month. The only month that rivals it is November, yet when you are in that month, adding another birthday as well as Thanksgiving, somehow August is forgotten. But today, it's August and it's an exciting one at that.

When I was living in Taiwan, my sister Rachel called me and asked me to start praying for our sister Lydia. The reasons were so wise that I did. I've prayed for all my siblings and I always will. But what Rachel was pointing out to me was that Lydia is perceptive. She wanted me to pray because Lydia was looking around her and was really seeing what was going on. And she didn't like it. My Lydia knew she wanted Jesus, but she didn't want the Jesus she was seeing in many people around her who called themselves Christians. She told Rachel that. So Rachel asked me to pray.

Today at work, my mom, dear brother Shep and Lydia came into see me at work. After making them frap's and tea, and Shep and Mom constantly urging Lydia to tell me something, my precious little sister came up to me and whispered in my ear, "Last night, I accepted Jesus."

I'm telling you it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard!

Mom told me that Lydia started asking questions on the 25th. That was my birthday. And last night, she came to the Kingdom. I couldn't have been given a more wonderful birthday present. And Lydia did give me a beautiful bracelet.

One time I was talking with my roommate Priscilla. We decided that there were three reasons for us to pray for those who haven't yet come to the Kingdom of Heaven. First, because they are lost, they need Jesus no matter who they might be. Second, would be because they are close to us, family, friends. And third is because they will do great damage to Satan's earthly kingdom when they come. Well my friends, Lydia is in all of those reasons. And now she is part. I couldn't be happier.

Really and truly.

Brave

I'll admit it. I think I'm brave. But I'm not really. There are parts of my heart that are just hard to share. There are stories that seem to hurt more than help. But I need to share this story. Because even if I'm not brave, Veria was. And for that reason here is part of her story.

July 15, 2010

Sometimes in life, very special gifts have been given us. God for some reason decides to give us gifts we don’t deserve. One’s that we have no business explaining. July second I was given a special gift. Sitting in the back of a green Russian van, moments after I arrived in Volgograd, was a little girl: Tayna and Olog’s beautiful daughter Veria.

Never have I seen a little girl with a bigger smile, never have I met someone who could store nine feet of attitude into a 3 ½ foot body. Veria screamed, “I’m precious!” And she is.

The first Sunday morning July 4 2010, of our stay, I began to see one little part of this amazing little one. All of the American’s had gotten up to speak, now it was Kyle and Irena’s turn. So up to the front of the church they went, their son Daniel in tow. With Daniel being one and a half, he pretty much did not appreciate standing up in front of a church while his parents spoke about their vision for this camp. So up came Veria. She sat on the stage and played with Daniel, sometimes bothering him, but still for the most part keeping him out of trouble. Right then and there I saw it: Veria loves to mother.

That proved so true during all of camp. Time after time, that little girl would go up to the two little Daniels we have and just pick them up. Sometimes they would want to go play with her; sometimes it would be more of a fight. But that didn’t keep Veria from wanting to love like a mother, or trying her hardest to be the one in charge. On occasion that effort even extended to the children at camp who were quite capable of taking care of themselves, and never did it end anything less than comical.

And most of the funny came from Veria’s sassy, and way to cute attitude. This is the little girl who got up in the morning with enough energy to be electricity for the entire camp. She is the go-getter of a little girl who doesn’t stop for anything, the girl who got more bee stings than anyone else, just because she doesn’t believe in being passive.

She is the older sister who will annoy her younger siblings just because she loves them. She is horrible with names; she doesn’t hesitate to find a way to have her way. This little girl is the most beautiful center of childhood. At the river one day, she ran up to her little sister and grabbed her float only saying, “Thank you Christine, I’m sure you don’t need it!” Time after time, she would be the one showing off the frogs she had caught, and time after time she and Timothy would be the ones to try to light them on fire, then regret their decision, only to do it again later. She was fascinated with camera’s, I’m still not sure how many times she had to be told that Alana’s camera was too heavy and to expensive for her to use.

Mixed into Veria’s love and dominating attitude about life, is a little girl who loves with all of her heart. She is the little girl who gives the best hugs. She even gives fantastic Valentines. All of us were sitting up in our room, when suddenly there is a knock on the door and Veria’s little head peaked in. She went straight to Katey and started talking about how the valentine she had in her had was for Rachel, and giving Katey a hug when Katey “Oh no, over there is Rachel!” A “woops!” came out of Veria’s mouth before she jumped over to give the valentine to Rachel. Hugs and a thank you later, Veria disappeared out the door, only to reappear two minutes later with a valentine for Katey!

I fell in love with this little girl. She just took the bull by the horns and always won. She would talk away to me in Russian like I knew the language, then if I didn’t understand her, she would just talk louder and start dragging me places. She was always taking pictures, always smiling. Veria is a little girl who is secure in the fact she was chosen. That would be because Veria is adopted. Veria is wanted, loved and free because of the love of her family and God.

On July 15, 2010 just two days after I told Veria’s homeland goodbye, I got a phone call. Vera and her family were on the way to see her grandmother and they were in a car wreck. Veria went home to be with Jesus.

Tears are still streaming down my face. I just don’t know how to answer the questions that are pouring through my heart and mind. God why could this possibly be part of your plan? Why Veria, couldn’t you use something else? Please God don’t tell me this will be the reason that some will turn away from you? Please tell me this is the miracle we asked for so all the students at camp could come to know you? Can you tell me why this precious family had to be hurt? Can you please tell me why?

August 23, 2010

I still don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will. This summer has been a struggle. I've asked more questions of God and been extremely faithless. But God has remained faithful. All I know today is this family has been given more grace than imaginable. They have been given life again. I know they still have questions. I know they still hurt, but God in His goodness is giving hope. Even if I can't find answers, at least I do have hope.

Today I Write

A far away place visited.

Over the last couple of days I’ve felt numb. Sort of dazed from like I was just hit in the head with a baseball. Today is my third 11-work day in a row. Tomorrow will be a welcomed 9-hour day for sure. I’ve been sitting in my lovely little coffee shop flipping through books and watching the carpet get cleaned. I’ve taken orders and vacuumed the floor, all while not really thinking.

There is so much to process from the last couple of months. I think that’s why I haven’t been really taking anything in or really responding.

But today I write.

Because my life is beautiful. Because Jesus has made it beautiful.

There are stories of amazing people, pictures to show. There are lessons learned and far away places visited.

So today I write.

[Title Goes Here]

So as not to make people think I've been lost forever--I'm updating.

In the last week I've traveled far enough north to see the aurora borealis and far enough south to see the Brazos River. I've said goodbye to my sister Sarah moving to college and my team of Taiwanese girls I was privileged to invest in for a month. I went to a baseball game and was reminded of how big my God is. I stopped over at my house for 36 hours and celebrated 3 birthdays and I ate breakfast with Kristen and Priscilla in Ft. Worth.

Now I'm back with my family. For a whole week and a half.

[Go ahead and leave comments about how much of a gipsy I am. I would just love the comments :)]

Over the last month I've learned so much. I have so many stories to tell. But because I'm about to fall asleep, yet I still have several people to talk to tonight I'm just going to leave what I wrote for VOICE as my lessons learned.

“He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” 1 Thessalonians 4:20

When I came to V2 I never thought I would learn the lessons I have. What God had for me was nothing like I expected. I thought I would know how to handle everything this program had for me—I thought I knew what it took to be a leader. But those expectations were destroyed. God knew I needed to be taken back to the first step in becoming a leader.

Before a servant’s heart, before good character or learning to make an appeal, I needed to learn to actually see God as my reality. God used V2 to prove Himself faithful of my trust. He took away what I thought I knew about Him and replaced it with who he really is. V2 showed me who my Hero really is; He alone is worthy of my trust. Despite circumstances, pressures, and pain in this life I’ve learned God has created me to be His leader. I’ve learned Jesus desires most for me to not be offended of Him and his plan. What God has placed in my life or how he has created me is perfect.

I needed to see God as worthy of my trust and my worship again. I needed God to prove that he is my Everything. I couldn’t be more grateful that God destroyed my expectations of who He is at V2. Because seeing God again has shown me that he is faithful, and despite my weakness He does use me, no matter how much I have doubted that reality.